More Witness Protection Program (WitProPro) Reader Mail

I'm getting so much reader mail, it's time to air it out a bit today before going back to my intriguing story.

Our first letter comes from Witchitawe (not it's real name), Kansas:

Dear Whoever You Are,

I just joined a band and we plan on playing out a lot. A major record company wants to sign us as well. Should I be concerned for my safety? I'm the bass player, so I'm pretty sure nobody notices me. Suggestions?

Yours,
Anonymous Bass Player From Wichita, KS

Dear Anonymous,

Since compact disc sales are in the tank, nobody's going to release your music in that format, which means no need to concern yourself with your face plastered (potentially) over millions of CD covers throughout the world. I'd be more concerned with people illegally downloading your music. Illegal downloading is unethical and against the law. Those who participate in this activity should be sued and have their toenails forcibly removed. A good job for you would be to bootleg your own music. Since your "fans" don't know who you are, take the master recordings your band creates, burn them onto discs, and sell them on a table in front of record stores and hat shops. The money you earn can be siphoned toward purchasing arms or drugs, two growth industries that can be a backup career for you should the band breakup or all get shot execution style when your pursuers find you.

The next letter comes from somewhere (I can't disclose it) in the original 13 colonies (American):

Dear Ted (or whoever you are),

I'm a heavy drinker and I want to join AA. Do I risk exposing myself if I do?

Thank you,
Angelo
Tuxedo, NY

Dear Angelo,

Personally, I've been to a number of AA meetings and, quite frankly, they're not as fun as AAA meetings. AAA can save you money and time and hassle, so I suggest you join today. Plus, if you're ever being followed and your car breaks down, AAA will send a tow truck out AT NO COST (other than your annual membership fee); a tow truck you can ultimately hijack and use to drive yourself to safety.

If you elect to continue attending AA meetings, I don't suggest exposing yourself. That is a derogatory act and might not be appreciated by the female attendees.

More to come soon!