Reader Mail

Sorry for the abrupt ending to my previous post. I’m afraid my position at the time had been compromised and it was best for me to leave the house I’d, uh, found.

Let me now reprint a letter that would have been published in Witness Protection Weekly, Issue 9, Vol 37, had I not run into an old “friend” accidentally in that godforsaken pit of a Pennsylvania town I may or may not have been living in.

Dear Dean,
Oops. I never should have been so honest on my Facebook and MySpace pages. I definitely shouldn’t have uploaded my picture. Now I’m on the run. What should I do?
Yours,
Larry Angelo
Boise, Idaho

Larry – Interesting pickle you’ve brined for yourself, and I think there are a few lessons here for all of us:

I. Nobody picks up girls on the web using their real name and picture.
II. If it’s best for you to keep kind of a low public profile, maybe social networking sites are something to avoid if you’re a member of the Witness Protection Program, kind of like how drug dealers should stay away from drug free school zones.
III. By now, Larry isn’t alive anymore.

Quick story. When I first enrolled in The Program, my U.S. Marshal “handler” Moesha (or was it Joel?), suggested I avoid the old “haunts” and, by all means, raise my hand when the teacher called my (new) name at attendance. Well, I got to wondering, what if I used my old name for things like internet porn or call-ahead restaurant reservations? I mean, I don’t exist anymore, so what harm could it do?

There’s a Chili’s on Route 46 in West Paterson, New Jersey that still hasn’t reopened since that Citris Fire Chicken & Shrimp fajita blew up.